Degrading the Earth linked to Mental Illness. Yes, it is in the water.

There are a few towns on this Earth where there is naturally occurring lithium in the water. And studies have shown in those towns there are lower rates of homicide suicide and rape. What?! El Paso, Texas (of all places) has naturally occurring lithium in the water, and… lower crime rates. Read here. Yes, Here are a few studies. And another.

And then what is up with New Jersey drivers? Stop honking. Why do New Yorkers parking style look like bumper cars? Why are people in California so selfish? The Water! Do not drink the water. Please. I have a theory that there is a little cocaine in the New York Water hence a lot of anxiety. Plastic has leaked into the drinking water for Californians, and New Jersey is a superfund site.

Please get a really really good Water Filter. For your Mental Health. I do not get any bonus points or money for sharing the Water Filter I love is Aquatru. The Only Water Filter endorsed by Erin Brockovitch. Your brain deserves a clean water. And maybe a visit to El Paso.

The antidote to Co-dependency: Interdependency, what is that?

Co-dependency is a word that floats around a lot. Codependency, “You ruined my life.” No, you ruined your own life, (and here is a bit of a spin on that, did you ruin your own life? Or is life just hard, and the human condition even harder: We bleed. We sleep. We get tired. We get hungry. We cry. We laugh. We eat. We have sex. Or a good vibrator… Loneliness, Overwhelm, Frustration. Joy, Love, Appreciation and Laughter… the Human condition.)

What is the antidote to co-dependency? Inter dependency…. which means expressing your needs. To learn to locate your needs. To talk about your needs. And have the needs validated and brainstorm pathways to get there. If you can not express your needs, and you expect your partner to mind read your needs, you are traveling a dark lonely tunnel of delusions. Many times, having needs is interconnected with humiliation and self hatred. So, we need to unthread that knot and validate that the needs you are have are important and vital and human, and can only be met with asking for help, and in asking the response needs to embedded in empathy and care. Your needs are valid, part of this human experience. How can I meet your needs? How can I help you meet your needs?

Remember the story of Heaven? Everyone has long spoons in front of their soup bowls. Heaven is feeding one another with those spoons.

You got this Love. You do.

What is Addiction?

American Society of Addiction Medicine states, “Addiction is characterized by: inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional response.”


Some addiction is chronic, and some addiction is episodic. Meaning some people will present as addicts when they are really using a drug to mask grief, for example so as he dealt with the grief of losing his wife to divorce, the substance abuse faded away. Some addiction is chronic, with people who suffer chronic addiction: it is important to stay away from substance in order to develop skills to thrive in life. I believe chronic addiction usually happens when an addict begins using during formative years, such as binge drinking in college.

Alcohol abuse in women has risen in relation to women binge drinking in college. Our brains are still developing until about age 25, so this makes sense. There is one show, Intervention, that portrays a woman who was fine with alcohol then in her 40’s developed a serious addiction to alcohol, like a switch was flipped. I think this is important to observe. When using any substance, we are all flirting with disaster, it is Russian Roulette, one day a person is fine with the substance, the next out of control. We see this with alcohol, but I do wonder where it rears it’s ugly head. And then of course, we have an unfortunate pharmaceutical industry that sells heroin coated heroin, and now our families in the United States are reeling with heroin addiction as well.

Couples therapy is so important, the earlier the better. There is evidence that proves couples treatment early on in addiction treatment is not only important but increases the likelihood of what is termed durable recovery, sobriety beyond the first 4-6 years…


“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” – Confucius

You are not trapped

We tend to collapse into black and white thinking during the stressful times and within that tunnel vision, we feel trapped. I encourage you to challenge that feeling, thought and idea of being trapped. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t usually is not the reality, it is a feeling though. And that feeling arises because you care.

Stay in a marriage where you are no longer in love with your partner, where you both have grown apart OR hurt your children by getting a divorce or yourself…. or your spouse. In actuality sometimes if the marriage is exhausting all systems, getting out of a bad situation frees every person involved and everyone becomes happier, less stressed, more energetic and centered: including the kids. Yes, the kid also feel better, as long as the kids do not feel the burden of hearing how awful the other parent is, or the burden of relaying messages between the parents…. as long as they are still treated as kids, as long as the kids know you and your spouses love for them does not change, the kids have an opportunity to thrive. And they too feel better as they are no longer exposed to a tension filled home with that ambient anger.

With allowing the option for this, the awareness that you are not trapped, there is movement to work on the partnership, an opening to breathe, maybe even fall in love again, or step away and let go with love and care and kindness, and respect.

Be gentle with yourself. You are not your worse mistake. You are brilliant.
Yes, you.

“Curiouser and curiouser!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Remember JADE When speaking with a mean person

This is quite tricky.

When you make a mean person accountable, they will flip the script and say you are the abuser.

When this happens, please learn this wonderful acronym created by Al Anon, called JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Do not Justify Argue Defend or Explain, instead state: This is what I what I choose. or: No.

No is a complete sentence. And remember reasoning is only with reasonable people. Know your truth, hold your boundaries firmly and with kindness and then you are empowered. If you forget you are interacting with someone who is so self centered they have little ego strength to take responsibility for their actions, you will slip and fall. So please do not delude yourself, and hold this Acronym as the saving grace for your own health and well being.

And remember is is all about Progress, Not Perfection.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. Anais Nin

Resentment the papercuts of a relationship

When one person in a relationship is in pain while the other feels fine and ignores the issue, it creates an imbalance that can lead to resentment and lasting damage. By acknowledging the pain and opening communication, a couple can heal with integrity. Healing within couples work can look like a couple compassionately letting one another go or a couple falling back in love. Either way, the first step towards this growth is owning and sharing one’s needs. When we disown our needs, or our need to be needed, and expect our partner to mind read our needs, we are already placing a stumbling block to growth and intimacy. We learn this though, to dislocate from our needs, how to even begin to find our needs is the first step. How shame shrouds our needs is real.

Ultimately, healthy relationships are built on mutual care, empathy, and the willingness to address difficult truths. One difficult truth may be “I need to learn to express my pain and hold my power.” Or “I need to see my partner’s pain and know I can make mistakes, but I myself am not a mistake.” Ignoring a partner’s pain may seem easier in the short term, but true connection requires facing discomfort together. You can not be your own dentist, this is where a couples therapist comes in. When communication collapses a couples therapist is there to be the catalyst for change, healing, loving communication and growth.

"Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible."
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Listen to your intuition

When something feels off, it is.

There is a fascinating psychology with journalists, investigative ones especially. They were lied to as kids, so from a very young age they began investigating for the truth, they became truth seekers. So as adults they are at least one decade (if not two) more experienced in investigation than their colleague who did not grow up with a parent who was a compulsive liar. The silver lining.

But then there is this fascinating space we can occupy. We go toward the familiar, and can end up choosing a compulsive liar. What happens when a truth seeker chooses a compulsive liar? Then the truth seeker internalizes her/his/their own introject, (an introject is the internalized voice of the parent) and the journalist begins to lie to themselves choosing connection over protection.

Do not lie to yourself. Choose to trust yourself. Many times, there is protection in rejection. Choose protection. Life is too short. The moment you choose the liar over your truth, we begin to dissociate and fragment and mirror the liar, who needs to remain fragmented, who chooses not to integrate.

This is when it is important to listen to and repeat this statement. I choose to trust myself. I choose to be patient and wait for a good person. I choose the discipline of hope. I choose space to occupy. I choose to trust myself. Trust yourself. And be compassionate towards yourself, and do not judge yourself. It is hard to be alone. Be gentle with yourself.

“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.”
― Anais Nin

Gentle Start Up. Rules for Real Relationships

Anger is important, it provides information. When we come in hot, we only inflame the situation. As Irvin Yalom wisely said, strike when the iron is cold. In couples therapy there is no room to come in yelling and degrading your partner, it is ineffective, mean and simply does not work. Anger is valid, it is not okay to yell at your partner.

Sometimes you do need a deliberate space to begin to practice this new communication style and this is where couples therapy comes in.


It always seems impossible until it's done:
Nelson Mandela

Treat yourself and your partner the way you treat and love your child or children. (hopefully.)

Would you yell at your child? Tell her or him or them how awful they are? No you would not, and when a child witnesses a parent degrading another parent, what they see is a part of them degrading and being degraded because children do not seperate their sense of self from their parents for a long long time. So be careful and caring and why would you yell at your partner? That is the most important person in your world, that is the person you chose because in your heart you knew they were simply perfect for you. Do not destroy that with your words or self hatred or hatred. Build upon it. Choose to be good.

You can’t be your own dentist

There comes a point where we think maybe I should go to therapy. Why do I circle such self destructive patterns? Or maybe we should go to therapy because we seem to try to communicate and then just end up hurting one another…. Absolutely go to therapy: Within the work I do,

especially as a couples therapist- I have learned some forms of couples therapy actually make a couple worse, they would be better if they didn’t have therapy This is not that type of couples work, it’s collaborative and behavioral as well as insight oriented and you both leave being able to communicate in a healthy way with compassion and empathy holding one another’s experiences as both separate and valid. One may think well why can’t we just do this on our own? I say sure go for it, but we try to do everything on our own, inter dependence. It’s not a bad thing.

If you feel isolated, go to therapy. For couples if you feel you are stuck in maladaptive patterns… go to therapy.

Love this-

Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. Frankl

One Cure

I had a friend who eventually, I stopped being friends with her- because she talked behind my back. And actually she had no friends…

Because she spoke behind everyone’s back and her (ex) husband’s as well. To their faces, she was the best of friends but behind their back she spoke poorly of them.

It’s a directive I provide to my clients: do not speak poorly about your partner. Do not speak behind their back. Once this is done, it dissipates a lot of anger and tension.

I encourage you to see speaking behind anyone’s back as simply a violation of your code of ethics. The mystics of Judaism called this the evil tongue and it is considered a form of murder, character assassination because it is so hurtful and harmful to the speaker and to the person being spoken poorly of.

Instead of turning away and speaking poorly about your partner, turn towards them and say what you feel, easier said than done. That hurt me. I feel degraded. I feel sad. You will get you to the other side of this thru. Not around.

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.

Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Sometimes we project goodness onto people who simply are not.

In an attempt to collapse time, we can create a myopic vision of a person and project goodness onto a someone who simply is not, not due to mental illness (that degrades the mental health field) but because they choose to not be good.

The eerie piece is we may not fully understand how unwell the person is, or sexist or racist or mean, so we stumble upon our own naivety and arrogance. We may feel flooded with shame as we wake up from the daydream. We realize we have been lying to ourselves in order to ameliorate the loneliness.

It is not your fault they are not okay. You have the right to make mistakes, you are not a mistake just because you made one in assuming the best from someone. You must name that they are not well, or you will be the one who feels unwell, and please remember to delineate the 3 C’s, you did not cause it, you can not cure it, and you can not control it. Their degrading behaviors, their coldness, their way of using you is not a reflection of you but of them.

Be gentle with yourself, and remember who you are. You fell and now we get up again. You are stronger than you realize, you are loved and loveable, you are wise.

The Narcissistic Self and the Cure.

What is the self-experience of the narcissist? What is their intrapyshic world compromised of? This one drifts between two states the states “encompasse a vague falseness, shame, envy, emptiness of incompleteness, ugliness and inferiority and the counterparts: self righteousness, pride, contempt, defensive self-sufficiency, vanity and superiority.” McWilliams desctibeds this in her book Psychoanalytic Diagnosis. Kerberos (1975) describes this as opposite ego states grandiose (all-good) vs. depleted (all bad.). The cure, reaching the “good enough state.:”

How do these isolated beings reach, the good enough state? What is the cure?
This is for everyone who has ever been abandoned and this is especially the isolated narcissist. This is the cure, like a soothing balm on very burnt skin.

You are good enough. You are lovable. Your imperfections make you perfect.

Your mantra: my imperfections make me perfect. I am good enough. I am lovable. And if you have a partner, or a child extend that to them, silently state or aloud. You are lovable. You are good enough. Your imperfections make you perfect.

Rituals for Connection

John and Julia Gottman go on their honeymoon once a year, on their anniversary. Once a week my couples utilize the sacred date night, standing babysitter, with the agreement to not talk of the bills, or kids, or to-do list which dominates our lives so well within the ever lasting connectivity of the internet and the para-pandemic world of work and play being collapsed into one home. Every night the parent gives her child a warm bath and a good night story and a back rub. Every evening he makes dinner for his partner and puts their phones in a box and then they drink a glass of wine and talk about their day. Every birthday is a celebration of gratefulness with a party and presents. Every morning she kisses her wife before going to work. Every day she speaks with her best friend and checks in with how she is doing. I encourage you to choose one.

These rituals once established provide a rhythm to life that simply enhances the well being of that person and the circle of people that that person interacts with. Life is truly overwhelming at times with a never ending conveyor belt of things to do, without establishing one ritual we end up collapsing into the void. An established ritual over time simply becomes woven into the fabric of your daily life.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anaïs Nin.

Grudges lock patterns in place, how to forgive for movement

Forgiveness, holding the grudge and sitting on a burden of proof for you or your partner to change overnight will not work for movement in the relationship, or in your life.  This is the forgiveness mantra that can help, say it to yourself for yourself and in your mind to the your partner    "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you":

Sometimes an apology can feel manipulative, a band aid, not sincere. The way to move towards validation within an apology goes like this:

Apologize for a specific behavior with validation,  and then the other person apologizes for a specific behavior with validation, I am so sorry I snapped at you, I could see how that would be hurtful.  The word, “but… “ deletes the apology.  

And then return to the promise to move towards one another with respect and commitment to individuation and interdependence, to building a culture of love and appreciation deliberately.  Neither of you have to forgive right away, but choose to forgive within the day.  Holding onto anger just locks the patterns in place in your life and in your relationships. Forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes, not being a mistake because we are not mistakes, we just make them all the time. And forgive your partner. If you are not making mistakes in life, you are dead. It is part of living, part of life to totally fuck up again and again and again, and then repair and work towards growing. If you are not growing up, you are growing down. It is that simple.

Apologies can lock one person as victim and the other as perpetrator which may be the case, and in an abusive relationship that is the case. Usually the argument, tension is co created. Apologies need to go both ways, both partners taking responsibility for what they have done to co create the tensions in the partnership. One person apologizes and takes responsibility for hurting the other person, and then the other person apologizes and takes responsibility for hurting the other person. This is not always the case, when one person just vomits on the person their own stuff, there is not much room for the other person to apologize. But usually it is co-created, and then rebuild a culture of appreciation and love. For every 1 negative comment there is an and to 5 positive comments, do this for yourself when you tear yourself down and for your partner. The only way to authentically do this is by doing this for yourself first.

Friendship building:  Share something, not related to the to-do lists of life, but a dream you had, or a childhood memory you had, something friendship building, be curious.

"The most important relationship in your life is with yourself. Because no matter what happens you will always be yourself."
Dianne Von Furstenberg

--

I teach you both how to become one another’s couples therapist.

As a couples therapist I teach you both how to become one another’s couples therapist. There is a place for listening with empathy, how to attune to one another. Within every complaint there is a longing. So when listening to your partner, all these parts can become activated set aside what you want to say and be curious, there is an opportunity here to build trust.

as Part of you becomes activated,

Take a deep breathe and concentrate on tightening and then relaxing every single muscle in your body. If you begin to feel flooded, defenses have gone up, and then it’s time to take a break and return when you are calm. The goal of the speaker is to use the words “I feel…” the moment we trip a wire into “you” we hit the defense button and land in criticism.

We do a lot of this on autopilot. I come in and direct and encourage and then redirect. I teach you when to take a break and highlight when by accident it’s gone into the language of attack and defense and then we begin again and again and again. And over a relatively short period of time, with these practice sessions you and your partner learn how to make conflict and opportunity to build trust and heal.

Let the mean people go away.

A relationship filtration system involves acceptance of one’s self and others as they are.

When you grow up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful home,

you will do things that may appear strange to others until you process the abuse. Like run after people who are mean to you.

Yes run after people who are mean to you.

Maybe, when you were a child, a parent or sister or every person in the family, would be mean and you would block it out, and even dissociate, and then love them as best as you could

to make them love you. So they would stay and take care of you with food and shelter. And stop being mean. Magical thinking that kept you afloat.

So then as an adult, a lover or boyfriend or girlfriend or partner, is mean and you block it out, maybe even dissociate at the moment of being disregarded and dismissed, and you love them for them to love you.

Be gentle with yourself. You are learning, stay with yourself. When he or she or they are mean, stay with it. See it. It’s not your fault. The action is a reflection of them. Not you. Walk away. That’s easier said than done- it’s possible though. Step away from the familiar.

Another method is utilizing EMDR to process the moment of dissociation, when you block out the mean action, so you can process it and remember it’s a reflection of them, not you.

You are lovable.

I promise you.

You don’t need those people in your life. Anymore. They are mean. There is nothing wrong with you. You developed a coping mechanism. A fantasy. That got stuck on repeat. Until the cassette breaks. And we break open. And try something radically new. Therapy.

Dating

Whenever you point a finger at the person you want to be with

and think he or she or they is not well, remember there are 3 fingers pointing right back at you. Do the work. If you are attracted to and chase people who are not healthy at that moment in their lives, or in general, maybe it is about taking a step back and taking some down time, and working on yourself -so you feel most comfortable with a person who is healthy, we chase what we can not have to avoid the work.

I get it.

On the flip side, if you are in already in an intimate relationship, and your partner becomes sick, mentally (which is physically, that is the brain), that is not the time to turn away that is the time to turn towards, to love that person even more.

The Danger of Sugar Coating

How often do you see something and want to unsee it? Denial is nice, sometimes an important defense. When denial is used too often we trip into what is known as sugar coating, or lying to ourselves. In lying to ourselves we can do this awful thing of choosing connection over protection. We do it if we have mean family members, the daydream they will be kind one day is a daydream that can put yourself in danger of wasting your time trying to change people who are simply mean, sometimes ruthless.

Protect yourself. As painful as it is to know something about someone, what is more painful is to continue to nose dive into wasting your time, giving to people who can not give back. You only have so many moments of time, do not waste them chasing a delusion. And be gentle with yourself, if you need to chase the delusion accept that and then place an end date on the chasing of the pot at the end of the infamous rainbow. You are the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. In the end, we save ourselves via friendships, community, strong partners, and meaning centered lives.

Codependency Defined. And How to Ensure You do Not Get Ensnared.

Codependency is one of those words that is completely over used.

So, this is a quick run down of what codependency is and is not and how to ensure you remain healthy within a relationship.

This list is extreme, as with everything in life, there is a spectrum. We are all on a spectrum of healthy and unhealthy. You may see yourself in a few of these examples, or in all of them or in none of them.

Codependent relationships are what we call in the shrink world Closed Systems, and Love Relationships are Open Systems.

Below is a list, which is Written as a Chart by Melody Beattie from her classic book Codependent No More

• In a Love Relationship there is room to grow, expand and desire for other to grow

• In a Codependent Relationship, there is a dependence based on security and comfort, using intensity of need and infatuation as proof of Love (and this intensity etc may simply be a veil for fear, loneliness, and insecurity)

• In a Love Relationship, you have separate interests., other friends, etc. You maintain other meaningful relationships.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there is Total Involvement. You may end up neglecting old friendships or interests, in extreme cases even careers.

• In a Love Relationship there is security of the other’s expansion, security in your own self worth.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there is a preoccupation with other’s behavior, you are dependent on other’s approval for self identity and worth.

• In a Love Relationship, there is trust, openness.

• In a CoDependent relationship, there is jealousy.

• In a Love Relationship, mutual integrity is preserved.

• In a CoDependent relationship, one’s partner’s needs are suspended for the other’s- Self Deprivation defines a CoDependent Relationship.

• In a Love Relationship, there is willingness to risk and be real.

• In a CoDependent relationship, there is a search for perfect invulnerability.

• In a Love Relationship, there is room for exploration of feelings in and out of the relationship.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there needs to be reassurance thru repeated ritualized activity.

• In a Love Relationship, there is an ability to be alone

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there is a withdrawal after separating.

• In a Love Relationship, you can accept break up without feeling a loss of own adequacy or self worth.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, a break up causes feelings of worthlessness and the break up tends to be one-sided.

When all is said and done, in a Codependent relationship: we take responsibility for another’s actions, decisions, growth and regression, and we absolve ourselves of our own responsibility to get our sh#t together and we tend to blame our partner, or family member, or friend (whomever you are in the codependent relationship with) for life’s set backs, our own failures etc.

How to remain healthy in a relationship, to put it succinctly, be your best friend, (part of that is counter intuitive and means taking care of who you are responsible for, what etc…) be your own advocate, your own cheerleader, and build community. And know what you feel when you are feeling it and why for at least 60-70 per cent of the time. Easier- this is so much easier said than done. Many times, therapy can help with this third part especially.

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass

And holding hands is nice, because it is So Nice to be Held. It is a safety measure, human nature. It begins at a young age, when we cross the street.