Grudges lock patterns in place, how to forgive for movement

Forgiveness, holding the grudge and sitting on a burden of proof for you or your partner to change overnight will not work for movement in the relationship, or in your life.  This is the forgiveness mantra that can help, say it to yourself for yourself and in your mind to the your partner    "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you":

Sometimes an apology can feel manipulative, a band aid, not sincere. The way to move towards validation within an apology goes like this:

Apologize for a specific behavior with validation,  and then the other person apologizes for a specific behavior with validation, I am so sorry I snapped at you, I could see how that would be hurtful.  The word, “but… “ deletes the apology.  

And then return to the promise to move towards one another with respect and commitment to individuation and interdependence, to building a culture of love and appreciation deliberately.  Neither of you have to forgive right away, but choose to forgive within the day.  Holding onto anger just locks the patterns in place in your life and in your relationships. Forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes, not being a mistake because we are not mistakes, we just make them all the time. And forgive your partner. If you are not making mistakes in life, you are dead. It is part of living, part of life to totally fuck up again and again and again, and then repair and work towards growing. If you are not growing up, you are growing down. It is that simple.

Apologies can lock one person as victim and the other as perpetrator which may be the case, and in an abusive relationship that is the case. Usually the argument, tension is co created. Apologies need to go both ways, both partners taking responsibility for what they have done to co create the tensions in the partnership. One person apologizes and takes responsibility for hurting the other person, and then the other person apologizes and takes responsibility for hurting the other person. This is not always the case, when one person just vomits on the person their own stuff, there is not much room for the other person to apologize. But usually it is co-created, and then rebuild a culture of appreciation and love. For every 1 negative comment there is an and to 5 positive comments, do this for yourself when you tear yourself down and for your partner. The only way to authentically do this is by doing this for yourself first.

Friendship building:  Share something, not related to the to-do lists of life, but a dream you had, or a childhood memory you had, something friendship building, be curious.

"The most important relationship in your life is with yourself. Because no matter what happens you will always be yourself."
Dianne Von Furstenberg

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